I really don’t know if am going to do a good job on this snippet of the diary. Which of course it ain’t a diary because the word implies some sort of daily writing. Journal then. This post comes about in English because I feel it more soundly expresses what am about to digest live on the flesh here. This comes about because I usually like to eat alone in the middle school cafeteria where I work at these days. I find it peaceful and more rewarding to see about student comportment and a chance to reflect on my lessons and what occurs in them. I digest these moments in a quiet way which allows and affords me some interesting ruminations. Sometimes people come around, mostly students and chitchat with me. I don’t mind it. Neither when the other adults come and seat by me, I don’t mind it. I am ok with it. But not them.
I find the reasons they come and seat by me whilst I partake of my bread quite curious. Before I delve even more about the reasons allow me to expound or tell about a peculiar Swedish quirk which though I might call it a quirk it might not be it to them. In their world and ens, when they see me eating alone, they are moved by it. My take is that they feel sorry for me. I have been exposed to this unwanted sort of charity by far more times than I care to count. I know for a fact they genuinely do this as an act of kindness much akin the saying about paving the way to hell with good intentions. I also genuinely do not take ill will of it.
I say this with timid confidence. I have noticed over the years I spent with Swedish people how they are driven about as if in a horde. They move about as animal hordes do. They speak in we form and they detest being alone. They suffer wads if left to their own devices. For a Swede, being left alone is a serious crime committed to them. They absolutely abhor it. I guess they hate confronting a cruel reality about their own culture: its destiny is lonesome.
Enter I, an American.
II part stardate 2025-05-10 Día de las madres en México. There is plenty of ways to confirm the aforementioned. Though it sounds odd, remember that I am writing this as an individual who has transplanted himself to another land (Sweden) from the veritable and honorable land we call Estados Unidos Mexicanos and an invididual starkly imbued, inculcated as well as instilled with a North American cultural baggage and dare say I as a denizen of the Californias. Which is to say that I am profoundly and shall always be an individual whose culture encourages to seek one individuality, to pursue oneself. I am largely unaffected by Swedish cultural norms and seemingly find them to be the odd ones. Do not ask me how I have managed to not have my bubble burst over the 28 odd years I’ve been here. I know not all Americans can stand the collectiveness the imbibes the Swedish cultural daily life, specially at work, where they do most of their socializing. I digress a bit wee, so yeah, how does one see this horde mentality best? At school. All their school forms have classes that follow each other three years at at time and every time they change groups it is a nervous meltdown for quite a few of them, it brings about an existentialist crisis just the thought of meeting new people. So over the course of 3 years at time, they follow each other and are encouraged to get to know each other. They speak in ”we” form, as a collective, this is very much the case for many reasons but can and do express individual assessments of their own. After all, they are protestant.
I want to say that many cultures in Mexico are a wee tad like the Swedes, specially the rural communities. But my view on that is askewed at best. I have seen some glimpses of it but never as profound as I have seen it in Sweden. So it is visible to the wanting eye. I am in Walden if one wills and this produces a weird moment for me because I do not know what to do with the kindness they throw at me. I remember that it used to shock me that people would dare come by and seat themselves by the table I sat and ate. I used to get very surprised by it until it no longer registered to me as something odd. The kindness they want to provide me with though I can’t stand. Specially in my profession which doesn’t really afford the reflecting it requires. Since my colleagues are mostly Swedes, yes, am in rural Sweden, they use the work space as they social hub. it disturbs this moment of quiet reflection but I fear my colleagues and other see me as a lone wolf or worst an enstöring as they call people who prefer to stray away from people. That is not good at all. In Swedish eyes it is wrong to like being ok by yourself or worst yet as in my case, not mind being by myself for said purposes as mentioned above. It bothers me as well that my colleagues can’t see that I am reflecting but oh well, such is life. I suppose that so long as I know what am doing all is hunky-dory.